The end is here - the final Twilight installment is in theaters and will be out of our lives sooner than you can say "momentary indiscretion" (too soon?). Breaking Dawn Part Two crams a lot into its 2 hour run time, and most of it I did not care about. We are introduced to about a hundred vampires who all have screen time for some reason, when let's be honest, we all just want to see the PG-13 vampire-on-vampire sex. Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart) have a human/vampire hybrid of a baby that is immediately "imprinted" on by Jacob (Taylor Lautner), their werewolf friend. In case you haven't been keeping up with Stephenie Meyer's insane, made-up folklore, imprinting is when a werewolf falls in love with their soul mate. Did I mention this happened immediately after the child's birth? Yeah folks, there's pedophilia in this one. Of course, in typical Twilight fashion, they have to try to make it less creepy by having Jacob insist he isn't sexually attracted to the baby while Bella tries to rip his head off.
While I'm on the subject of the baby, can I just mention how fucking creepy that thing was? It was a CGI baby that looked like a mix of Robert and Kristen's faces and it now haunts my dreams. That baby comes for your soul while you sleep. It was absolutely terrifying. Right then, back to the movie.
There is strange pacing all throughout this one. It starts slow and light-hearted, and then all the sudden the shit hits the fan when the big bad Volturi get word that Edward and Bella have created a child vampire. Which, of course, is not the case, but Aro (Martin Sheen) is gunning for the Cullen family because he wants Alice (Ashley Greene) to join him and isn't listening to reason. This is all leading up to a massive showdown with the Authority - I mean, the Volturi - so Edward enlists the help of his vampire friends from around the globe to try and plead their case.
There is a bunch of crap in the middle, but none of it is really important. There's a particularly hilarious moment between Jacob and Bella's dad Charlie (Billy Burke) in which Jacob strips down and changes into a wolf right in front of him. The other vampires hang out and talk about murdering people, all leading up to the epic finale that is the biggest example of a bait-and-switch I have ever seen. The Volturi come and prepare to do battle with the Cullen family, their vampire friends, and the werewolves. Ultimately though, it is all bullshit. You see a pretty sweet battle with heads being ripped off, wolves dying, and generally cool action (even if it followed along the lines of the rest of the movies and was incredibly cheesy at times) that ends with a "Gotcha!" by Bill Condon, who I imagine was drumming his fingers on his chin with a shit-eating grin while he watched this. The best part of it was Michael Sheen's weird laugh when he meets Renesmee. Cinema gold.
I don't mean for this to sound entirely negative. There is something for everyone here - romance, action, Bella finally getting to release her badass side, humor - enough to make it a decent date night movie where the boyfriend isn't going to want to hang himself after it's over. Fans of the saga will love it and ultimately, those are the people you need to please.
At the end of the day, this is the best Twilight installment without question. However, I am glad it is over. Now Kristen Stewart can go back to doing indies, that, even if no one sees them, truly show what she is capable of as an actor. Robert Pattinson can go out and show the world what he can do as well, as he will be a busy, busy boy for the next few years.
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