The Kids Are All Right (2010)

People Who Matter:

Annette Benning:  Nic

Julianne Moore:  Jules

Mark Ruffalo:  Paul

Mia Wasikowska:  Joni

Josh Hutcherson:  Laser

Much ado has been made about the fact that this film involves a middle-aged married (GASP!) lesbian couple.  In all actuality, that has no bearing on the plot nor the outcome.  The fact that the couple is made up of two females doesn't change the fact that this is a solid drama focusing on the difficulties of marriage, of raising children, and the process of adoption when, eventually, those children want to meet their biological parents.  

Nic (Benning) and Jules (Moore) have been married for 20-something years, and although their home life is nothing close to perfect, it is a solid enough basis for them to have two relatively well-behaved teenage children.  Fun fact:  each of the ladies mothered one of the children.  Sharing is caring!  Laser (Hutcherson) is a typical 15-year-old boy and does stupid things like experiment with drugs and videotape his dumbass friend trying to jump off a roof on a skateboard.  Joni (Wasikowska) is a model student that just graduated top of her high school class and was accepted to every college she applied to.  Both of them have typical teenage angst and lash out at their parents, but you can tell that this is a tight-knit family with a lot of love to go around, at least for the kids.  

Nic and Jules' relationship is a whole different story altogether.  It's obvious that they love each other.  I just think the routine of married life has finally gotten to them.  Nic is a perfectionist - everything always has to be done to her specifications and when she wants it.  Jules is more free-flowing - not necessarily letting things happen, but being more flexible.  Nic is extremely distant from Jules, which is made more and more apparent throughout every scene.  One thing that definitely has to be said though - this is the best portrayed couple I've seen on the big screen in a long time.  Benning and Moore capture the raw and real aspect of being in a relationship - something that is so often missed by Hollywood's glamorization of everything.  

As it gets closer to time for Joni to leave for college, she and Laser decide they want to meet their biological father Paul (Ruffalo), a local restaurant and organic farm owner.  Turns out, he's going through a midlife crisis of his own and is starting to think about finally settling down.  The kids definitely nudged him in the right direction though, as they hit it off.  The kids decide they will keep it from their moms as they think it will upset them (which it does).  

When the truth comes out, Jules and Nic decide they will be fair to their children (even though they disagree... again, this is great parenting) and agree to meet Paul to find out what all the fuss is about.  They still aren't impressed with him, but Paul does become Jules' first client in her new landscape design company.  Which is good, because his backyard is a trainwreck.  What begins is an unlikely friendship in which Jules sees some of her needs getting met that aren't being tended to by Nic, and Paul sees an opening to inject himself into a family that has been going strong since before he jizzed into a cup for $60 (which is like $90 now).   

This is not a movie in which two lesbians raise children, this is a movie in which a family goes through the drama and turmoil that are ever present in many families nowadays.  It just so happens that the parents both happen to be female.  I understand that some people are still not accepting of this notion, and it's such a shame that they won't experience this film that is so fantastic.

10 out of 10

Easy A (2010)

People Who Matter:  

Emma Stone:  Olive 

Penn Badgley:  Todd

Amanda Bynes:  Marianne 

Easy A is a simple idea - take something that almost everyone can relate to (high school gossip) and mix it with the public conception of sex (taboo vs. accepted), make it funny, and churn it out.  What Easy A does is take that simple idea and turn it into something great.  Emma Stone has, with this one role, transformed herself from a solid supporting actress (Superbad) to breakout star, and she does it so freaking well.  But it's not just Stone that brought her A-game.  Everyone from the boy she has a crush on (Todd, played by Penn Padgley of Gossip Girl fame), to her parents (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson), to a Bible-thumping drama queen (Marianne, played by Amanda Bynes), to her quirky English teacher (Mr. Griffith, played by Thomas Haden Church) and his estranged guidance counselor wife (Mrs. Griffith, played by the ever-so-lovely Lisa Kudrow) make this movie.

Olive Penderghast (Stone) is just a normal girl at a normal high school.  She's roughing through her teenage years just like every one of us did at some point.  She doesn't really know who she wants to be or what she wants to do.  But she does know that her best friend has crazy parents (even by California standards, which is saying a lot) and she doesn't want to spend the weekend with them.  They are nudists, by the way, which Olive was made all too aware of one night when her friends' mom's boob introduced itself to her face.  I can't say I blame her for not wanting an encore presentation.  

So, instead of admitting that she spent the weekend alone in her room jamming out to "Pocket Full of Sunshine," she fabricates this little white lie to tell her friend about having hooked up with a college boy (that seems safe, since no one would have met him).  It all seems innocent until Olive is overheard by the school crazy, a religious nutcase named Marianne.  Of course, Marianne sees it as her duty to warn the other girls from following in Olive's slutty footsteps, so she tells everyone exactly what she heard. 

Of course, this is high school, so the news spreads like wildfire.  Suddenly Olive isn't just this average girl walking the halls.  People are starting to notice her.  And she eats it up.  Soon, her gay friend Brandon (Dan Byrd), sick of being punched in the face for being who he is, approaches her for a win-win situation:  she pretends to have sex with him and he gives her a gift card to Target.  And a vibrator, but that's beside the point.  It seems like an innocent trade-off; she's helping a friend get the gay heat off of him, and she's getting money.  Well, a gift card... but that's almost as good as money.  Almost.  

Now, everyone thinks Olive is a slut because she has (GASP!) slept with two guys, one of which was a homosexual.  She must be very confused.  Anyways, soon, she is being approached by every nerd, fat kid, and loser in the school to pretend she's had relations with them while she reaps the monetary benefits.  In all actuality, she's helping them out by getting them some street cred, and she's finally getting the attention that so many teenage girls crave. 

All the while, her English teacher Mr. Griffith is giving his snarky comments on "The Scarlett Letter," which of course they are reading in class.  I don't know of any high school that hasn't banned that book, but again... whatever.  I'll bite.  It's obvious that Mr. Griffith is the obligatory "cool" teacher that every school has.  Olive seems especially interested in her reading material and seems to identify with Hester Prynne and is soon gallivanting around in corsets with her very own scarlet A sewn on.  

Of course, the rug does eventually get pulled out from under Olive.  It's not all fun and games when you're having pretend sex with half the school.  However, with the help of her parents (who are uproariously funny and both also named after food, which is weird) and a soul-bearing webcam, eventually everything works itself out.  Mr. Griffith learns the truth about his marriage, Woodchuck Todd becomes an actual person instead of just a mascot, and crazy Jesus freaks get outted for being hypocrites.  Even Brandon has a happy ending with an extremely muscular black guy.

It's impossible to pinpoint one thing I loved about this movie.  I love that it tip-toed through some very dangerous waters with the whole sex for money thing, even though it was just for show.  I love the hilarious dialogue between all of the characters.  I loved how the typical sexual roles between men and women were reversed.   I loved the John Hughes references.  But most of all, I loved how this could easily have taken place at my high school, or at any high school, really.  The only unbelievable thing throughout the whole movie was that Emma Stone could possibly walk down the halls anywhere and not be noticed. 

9 out of 10

Dinner for Schmucks (2010)

Besties 

People Who Matter:  

Steve Carell:  Barry

Paul Rudd:  Tim

Zach Galifianakis:   Therman

Stephanie Szostak:  Julie

There is such an abundance of funny, talented, amazing actors in this movie that it just has to be great, right?  I don't see how it's possible that all of these people get together and produce anything short of amazing.  However, Dinner for Schmucks is not amazing or great.  In fact, I'm more than a little disappointed right now.  I haven't felt this upset after a movie since I watched the abortion that was Saw 3D.  

Despite one of the weirdest opening credits I've seen in a long time, Dinner for Schmucks starts strong, showing Tim (Rudd) striving for a new opening at his corporate financial job.  He feels he needs to move up that corporate ladder to impress his girlfriend (who he keeps proposing to... and keeps getting rejected) that he doesn't feel he is good enough for.  Of course, his boss has an idea that will show he is worthy of that new corner office:  a dinner party in which he has to bring an idiot so he and his corporate friends can mock them.  Because seriously, the only way we can judge someone's job performance is by a downright cruel dinner in which we pit people against each other in a contest of crazies?  That's far-fetched even by my standards, but whatever, I'll bite. 

The snag in the plan comes from Tim's girlfriend, Julie (Szostak), who is rightly horrified by this obviously terrible idea.  She tells him to skip the dinner, which he is prepared to do (suggesting that maybe he isn't a soulless corporate whack job after all) until he meets the dead-mice-toting Barry (Carell).  This guy can't be real, right?  Despite the fact that he almost got hit by a car to save a mouse that was already dead, he carries around artful scenes featuring more mice... in clothes.  Obviously, Tim can't pass up this golden opportunity to impress his boss, so he invites Barry to the dinner.  

 Oh, dear Mouse Jesus

This doesn't sit well with Julie, who then leaves Tim.  And this begins the movie's "funny" bits, which consist almost entirely of Barry ruining every aspect of Tim's life.  I don't know if I was supposed to feel sorry for Barry or Tim during these parts, but they both came out looking like jackasses.  Barry is too clueless for me to even imagine that he is a real person.  No one on this planet is that naive, that silly, or that... well... dumb.  Tim lied to his girlfriend which started his downward spiral, and then continues to rage on like an asshole, so I can't feel sorry for him.  Because honestly, if getting that promotion is worth more to you than the supposed reason you want it, you need to get your priorities in order.  

While Barry and Tim are running around the city sharing whacky shenanigans, Julie is being courted by one of her most talented artists,  Kieran (Jemaine Clement).  The man is a sex machine and doesn't make it any secret he wants to involve Julie in his latest "art process," which is basically where he makes erotica out of animals... it's very strange. 

see what I'm talking about, here?

While on the journey leading up to the actual dinner, we meet Barry's biggest rival, his boss Therman (Galifianakis).  We learn that Therman is also a very "extraordinary" individual, and it's not hard to guess that he will be making an appearance at the dinner as well.  Therman is a "mind-controller," and for just $14.99, you can learn his secrets.  Therman stole Barry's wife back in the day, and seems hell-bent on making sure Barry knows that in every single interaction they have together.  As interesting (and hilarious) as it sounds, it isn't.  It is just as boring and just as uninteresting as every other aspect in this plot.  

When Barry starts to open up to Tim about the details surrounding his divorce (including, but not limited to, him hiding under the bed while his wife and boss went at it above him... which seems to be a recurring theme in his life, see the credits), it was sad, but it didn't make me care about his character any more.   Barry is quirky, but not in the cute, fun way.  He's annoying, like the fly in the room when you're trying to go to sleep. 

Tim is a selfish douchebag that I could never see myself rooting for.  He doesn't deserve Julie.  He doesn't deserve anyone.  The relationship is barely believable to begin with, then it's over, and then he spends the entire movie trying to "win her back," even though he continuously puts his career ahead of her.  Not to mention, continuously allows Barry to destroy everything. 

The actual dinner comes and goes much faster than expected.  With this huge buildup to it, I was thinking that maybe it would be the saving grace of the whole movie and would just dazzle me with humor and leave me wondering why I didn't love this movie from the get-go.  It didn't.  Again, it's just downright mean.  On top of Barry and Therman, there's a blind sword-fighter, a woman who can speak to dead animals, a ventriloquist with a very well-endowed puppet of a wife, and a dude with a freaky relationship with a bird.  I can tell they tried to make these people cute and fun so that we're laughing with them and not at them, but I obviously missed that memo.  

There were a few chuckles, but they were much too few and much too far apart for this to be a comedy.  Especially considering three of my favorite funny guys (Rudd, Carell, and Galifianakis) worked  together, it's really hard for me to admit that this movie just isn't good.  It isn't funny, it doesn't really drive home any points (except you can be an asshole and still keep your girlfriend and your wacky best friend... and that's not really the most positive message to be sending), and overall failed miserably.  It hurts me to say this, but...  

4 out of 10

Welcome to the Rileys (2010)

Bella and Tony Soprano, on a laundry date?

People Who Matter:  

James Gandolfini :  Doug

Melissa Leo:  Lois

Kristen Stewart:  Mallory 

I am continuing my creative interest (that sounds so much better than newfound obsession, doesn't it?) in Kristen Stewart with what very well may be her best role yet.  Welcome to the Rileys is a drama with a few too many cliches, but some of the best acting all the way around I've seen on my screen in a long time.  With Melissa Leo, James Gandolfini, and Kristen Stewart leading the way, you really can't go wrong.  And it doesn't.  This film is sensational. 

While this film was shot two years ago, it premiered in 2010 at Sundance.  Coincidentally, Kristen Stewart pulled overtime this year as The Runaways premiered there as well.  The Runaways is a very good movie that showcases Stewart's acting ability.  Welcome to the Rileys is an incredible movie that showcases how to act out a wide range of emotions.  The kicker:  the girl was only 18 when this was shot.  An 18-year-old that is "just Twilight" (cue sarcasm), yet is getting critical acclaim for her acting skills.  It's so fashionable to hate on Stewart because she stars in a teeny-bopper vampire "saga."  But honestly, playing Bella Swan isn't really the best way to show a range of... well anything.  There's Happy, In-Love-Bella, and there's Scared, Holy-Shit-They-Are-Trying-To-Kill-Me-Again-Bella.  And this is coming from someone who has read all the books and seen all the movies, so don't call me biased.  It's the material that she is working with.  It has nothing to do with Stewart herself. 

Anyways (rant over), in case you couldn't tell, I was enamored with this movie.  Basically, and bear with me now because it sounds lame just from a brief overview, there's this guy Doug, who is married to this lady, Lois (not Superman's wife, as it was determined in the film) and they suffered a horrific tragedy when their daughter died in a car crash a few years before.  Needless to say, their marriage took a bit of a tumble.  Doug starts sleeping with a waitress at a pancake house, and Lois finds herself unable to leave the house (not even to go to the mailbox... she has a friend drive across town to get her mail while Doug is away).  Cue yet another tragedy, and Doug jets off to New Orleans to get some much needed time off.  While there, he meets an adorably charming young lady who brings he and his wife back together.  JK, he meets an angry bitch of a stripper (who is 16, BTW) who reminds him so much of his deceased daughter that he is drawn to her and feels this need to help her out, no matter what jacked up, crazy situations she finds herself in.  

And there are some doozies.  Mallory (the stripper) also doubles as a prostitute ("If you ain't working, you ain't eating") and not all of her customers leave happy.  She gets robbed and mugged on what seems like a fairly regular basis, since she carries all of her cash around with her all the time.  Strippers don't need banks.  Some of them even "put their money in their cooters."  Safe keeping, I suppose.  Although... nevermind.  That's just too easy.  

The thing I noticed very early on (at least after Mallory made her first appearance) was the language.  I understand why they did it... it adds even more to the character of Mallory.  Since we're not given much back story about her other than the fate of her mother, we're mostly left to wonder what made her so fucked up.  Because, my God, that girl is fucked up.  She's living by herself in NOLA at 16-years-old, stripping and pulling tricks to make ends meet.  Her attitude is terrible, which is understandable.  I don't think the girl has ever gotten a hug in her life.  The creepy guys she "entertains" stop by at all hours of the night, and she seems all too willing to continue that path.  

In her first meeting with Doug, the amount of her emotional trauma is apparent.  He is trying to talk to her, get to know her (cause that's what all guys at strip clubs do, right?) and she is very aggressively throwing herself at him, offering him sexual favors (which he turns down, by the way).  I'm not gonna lie... even with Taylor Momsen makeup and bruises everywhere, Stewart looked hot in that VIP room.  Yes, it was oversexualized and something I haven't ever seen from her before, but she worked it.  Pardon the pun.  The super fun time is cut short when Mallory thinks Doug is a cop and she throws his money at him and bolts.  

Of course, they meet up later that night and begin an unlikely friendship.  While Mallory still tries to throw herself at him, he always refuses, instead trying to help her get on her feet.  He fixes things wrong with her house, gives her $100 a day so he can stay at her house (presumably to keep an eye on her), and rescues her from whatever crazy situation she has landed herself in that night.  

All the while, Doug finds a buyer for his company and calls to tell his reclusive wife he will be staying in NOLA for a while (he leaves out his hooker roommate), prompting her to travel all the way from Indianapolis to New Orleans to save their marriage.  The way Melissa Leo acts this out is amazing.  The reclusive, depressed, pill-popping housewife can't be the easiest role to play, but Leo does a sensational job of making it believable, and making you pity and gawk at her.  There is a scene right before she leaves for her roadtrip where she literally forgot how to drive a car.  Accidental hilarity ensues.  Then she gets hit on at a restaurant in one of the flyover states, and her shyness is incredibly believable.  It's no wonder she has been nominated for an Oscar.  

It's a little strange to see Gandolfini outside of his Sopranos role.  He was a badass as Tony Soprano.  As Doug, he is a huge, intimidating-looking guy, yet is kind and considerate.  He shows more compassion to Mallory than she has ever seen in her life (and she does not know how to handle it).  Yes, he was cheating on his wife, but when she came down to NOLA, he rushed to be with her, even getting his car towed to make sure she was safe.   He loves his wife, he just didn't know how to handle the death of their child and his wife's sudden reclusive behavior.  

Stewart... well... everyone seems to be making this a movie about stripping, but that's not what it is at all.  Truth be told, there's only one scene where you see her doing her work of the night.  The rest of it is a serious drama in which a girl is struggling with growing up at far too early an age, without any parental guidance or monitoring, in one of the worst cities of sin in the country.  It's no wonder Mallory is such a freaking trainwreck.  The stars have aligned to give her the biggest clusterfuck of them all.  

I don't agree with 99% of Mallory's actions, however, Stewart portrays it in a way that you can kind of understand why she's making them.  The ending is very indie - an ending I have seen many times before and will see many times again.  That's not to say it was a bad ending.  In all actuality, I just finished this film and I already want to watch it again.  It's that good.  I watch 2-3 movies a day (I don't sleep... ever) and this one is on my Top 10 list.  Fantastic film.  Do yourself a favor and check it out.  

9 out of 10

 

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

Ruh-Roh

I watch many different kinds of movies, but by far, my favorite genre is horror.  I love them all, from the classics, cheap scares, B-list (love the cheesy blood and terrible acting), torture porn (see Captivity and the Hostels), the Saw movies (to an extent... I've seen them all, but buried my face through the last handful... they are just awful),  the remakes (that I bitch and complain about all the way through, yet I still watch them), and the under-the-radar ones.  Like Paranormal Activity.  I was intrigued by that movie when a friend showed me the trailer on Youtube.  So I went to the site and "demanded" it.  It was eventually released in my area, and I saw it.  And had the shit scared out of me.  The fact that they spent almost no money making it (like $15,000) and created something so terrifying that even I was hearing "suspicious" noises that night and investigating my entire apartment.  I tell you about my love of horror and the extent of the movies I watch to show it is not easy to scare me.  Even if a movie gets a cheap "Oh shit!" out of me, that moment is gone as soon as I laugh it off, and certainly doesn't stay with me after the credits roll.

When Paranormal Activity 2 was released, I was excited.  Now I have mixed feelings on sequels, especially if I loved the first one.  It can either be more of the same awesome from the first one (which is great), or try so hard to be as awesome as the first one that it is a major fail.  It didn't take long into this movie to figure out which category it fit into.  In PA1, they used creepy build-ups instead of having something pop right out at you for a cheap scare.  And by the end of the movie, I actually cared what happened to Micah and Katie.  I didn't want her to go batshit crazy and kill him.  Sorry for the spoiler on that one.  Actually, if you haven't seen it by now, you probably never will... so fuck you.  Get spoiled.

Paranormal Activity 2 starts off much like the first one did, with a little buildup to the characters you will soon witness being terrorized.   You meet the proud new mother and father (Kristi and Daniel) a newborn infant (Hunter), a teenaged daughter (Ali, from another mother), and the family dog.  Then you see our old friends Katie (who is Kristi's sister) and Micah, which is confusing at first, but PA2 takes place before, during, and then after the events that Katie and Micah experienced.  It also explains a lot of the questionable decision making done in the first one, especially from Katie.

So the family comes home from Hunter's birthday party, and their house has been trashed.  According to non-believer Dan, someone got into the house even though all doors and windows were locked, trashed almost every room (except for Hunter's), yet couldn't find anything in there to steal, so they just left.  Jewelry, TVs, computers... all were left in tact and where they were.  So he does what any person would do and installs 24-hour surveillance cameras on almost every square inch of the house, so if anyone tries to pull shenanigans again, he will see the perp.  This is a believable reason why everything is being filmed, and from so many angles which is nice, although it is kinda silly.  It also adds a level of reason as to why these people aren't sprinting as far away as possible after things start happening.  They don't watch the video every morning like Micah did in the first one.  They actually don't watch it that much at all.

In addition to the security cameras, the family also uses a handheld camera, which is mostly used to show Ali, the daughter, Google freaky shit online about demons, and show Daniel being an idiot regarding the obvious strange occurrences in his house.  It's an interesting perspective and is definitely a change of pace from the overhead-view security cameras.  During tense parts, I often found my eyes darting around the screen, frantically searching for the next sign of the paranormal.  It got exhausting after a while.    

The family's nanny seems to realize the family is fucked way before any of them do.  She blesses the house regularly with her "voodoo," something that doesn't sit well with Dan, who is obviously more idiotic than Micah (and that's saying something).  Dan fires her for "endangering the baby" or something stupid like that, and shortly after, shit starts going down.  It starts really slow, with noises and the vacuum seemingly jumping out the pool on a nightly basis.

The action mostly revolves around Hunter, the infant, and Abby, the dog.  They are focused on something in the corner that only they can see, or something is making Hunter cry and Abby is acting as a good dog should and attempting to protect her family.  It's convenient for the filmmakers to pull this card, using two characters that can't talk as their main people to fuck with, but also works for us as an audience.  Let's face it... babies are creepy.  More on that later.

Soon, other family members start realizing there's something shady going on.  Kristi has experienced something like this before with her sister Katie, who she turns to for advice.  Obviously, Katie doesn't handle the paranormal very well (just ask Micah), so she's not much help.  She basically tells Kristi to ignore it and it will go away.  Yeah bitch, tell that to your dead boyfriend.  Later, Kristi experiences what is probably the biggest "Oh shit!" moment of the entire movie, yet ignores it because her stupid ass sister told her to.  Flash forward a little more and the demon shows Kristi it doesn't take too kindly to being ignored.  

I won't tell you the ending, but I will tell you it pissed me off.  It was cheap, and especially considering how slowly the rest of the movie built up, it was incredibly rushed.  Add that to the fact that it was left wide open for a Paranormal Activity 3, and I was left with a WTF feeling that didn't go away.  Sure, there were some creepy moments (levitating baby, anyone?) but overall it felt rushed and, most importantly, didn't leave me with the fear and doubt the first one did.  Was it a bad movie?  Not really.  It just doesn't live up to the first one and therefore left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

6 out of 10

What I Love Right Now

Betty White - she is old as shit and completely vulgar, but is easily one of the funniest people out there.  I recently watched the MTV Movie Awards again (don't judge me... it was 3 in the morning, so my TV options were limited) and she was uproariously funny during her presentation of the Generation Award to Sandra Bullock.  I heard today that she was going to be decreasing her workload, which makes me sad and happy at the same time.  Although Betty is someone I can never get tired of, I'm glad she's taking some time to herself.  In all fairness, she's in her 80s. 

Call of Duty:  Black Ops - I've already finished the campaign twice, murdered some zombies in cold blood, and am currently working on a way to beat these 12-year-olds online.  I wish they would all stop talking about fucking my mom after they kill me though.  It kinda adds insult to injury.

Kristen Stewart - something about this girl has captivated me.  I love her acting style... it's so raw and real, traits rarely seen in Hollywood today, especially not amongst young actors.  Plus her keeping her personal life personal is just another plus in her column, because seriously, the celebrities that cram their relationships down our throats to get free publicity is annoying.  There's something different about this girl.  I have totally developed a girl crush on her, and that's something I am not ashamed of.  I can't understand why so many people hate on her all the time.  She's extremely talented and completely gorgeous.  Let the girl be. 

Mad Men - I just started watching this show (I know... I'm way late to the party), but I am hooked.  It is one of the many reasons I haven't been sleeping much lately.  It's all sex, cigarettes, drinking, and occasionally pitching some ads, which is really a combo that you just can't go wrong with.  Add in some deliciously intriguing characters whose love lives are more twisted than Lindsey Lohan's, and you've got a quality show on your hands.  Plus, I've been needing something to hold me over while all my favorite shows are on winter hiatus.


Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal splitting up - this creeped me out from the beginning, but I just figured Jake would do his usual "use 'em and lose 'em" routine and it wouldn't last long.  Thankfully it didn't.  There's something strange about a 30-year-old man getting with a 20-year-old, especially when that young girl is none other than our beloved T-Swift.  She's so sweet and innocent, and I cannot fathom why she continues to hook up with these slutty guys.  Deep-seeded emotional issues?  Blinded by love?  Not sure.  Guess we'll just have to wait for the next CD to drop.

Movies With Surprising Endings - The Book of Eli, Remember Me, and A Perfect Getaway are just the recent ones that I have seen (or seen again).  And I can't stress enough how much I love a shocker ending.  I hate being able to guess how a movie will end 20 minutes into it.  It takes away the suspense and half the fun.  If a movie can keep me guessing all the way through to the end, that is an excellent movie.  With that being said, I hate surprises on my TV shows.  Cliffhangers on TV shows are the meanest thing ever invented, other than diets during the holidays.  I think it's something to do with having to wait another week to find out what's going on... I don't know.  Maybe I have some deep-seeded emotional issues.  Regardless, I actively read spoilers on all my favorite shows.  But don't you dare tell me a spoiler for a movie.  I will punch you square in the face.

Tucker Max - Assholes Finish First

Douchebag

Tucker Max is a guy that I love to hate.  The way that he objectifies women is appalling.  However, the kind of women that find him attractive are the kind of women that are sort of setting themselves up for failure.  How can you solicit sex from a self-described asshole that you meet on his website and then be surprised when he calls you a slut on said website? 

In case you have been living under a rock for the past 6 years, Tucker Max is a pseudo-celebrity that gained fame from a blog posting his drunken sex stories.  Then he wrote a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that was hilarious and witty.  Then there was a movie based on that book that was one of the worst things I have ever witnessed in my life, and that includes the birthing scene from Knocked Up.  And now there is "Assholes Finish First."

Tucker describes himself much more eloquently than I ever could, conveniently located on the home page of his website:  "I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead." 

Not surprisingly, Tucker is wildly famous among frat boys ("Oh my God bro, Tucker totally gets us!  We're practically living the same life!") and virgins who I'm assuming are living vicariously through his stories.  It's mostly college aged kids that get into this guy, which is kinda weird since he's in his 30s now.  What's even weirder is that he regularly sleeps with 18-year-olds.  And writes about it.  I can't be the only person creeped out by this.

As much of a creeper as I think Tucker is, I'm still a fan.  However, it's one of those things I hate to admit that I like, much like my addiction to Gossip Girl.  I would have never gotten that into him, except that it was sort of  forced down my throat.  See, my drill sergeants would read us bedtimes stories all throughout basic training of what we were missing on the outside.  Those bedtime stories just happened to be selected stories from "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell."  So when I got home, I checked out his website.  Then I bought his book.  It's been downhill from there.

"I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" is humorous.  It's full of stories that are probably elaborated, but still funny.  They include but are not limited to:  Tucker fucks a midget, Tucker tries butt sex, Tucker shits himself all over a hotel lobby, and Tucker tries absinthe.  In case you haven't noticed a theme here, Tucker loves himself... just a smidge.  He thinks he is the funniest, smartest, most attractive, most clever person alive.  Granted, he is funny (but not as funny as he thinks), apparently smart (he claims to have made it through law school without ever doing work and rarely going to class), mildly attractive (but looks his age), and occasionally witty (but most of his jokes involve making fun of fat people and sluts).

Regardless of how egotistical this guy is, he knows how to tell a story.  So I had high hopes for "Assholes Finish First."  However, it falls flat.  The first part is more of the same from IHTSBIH, but since most of the stories are dated prior to the release of that book, I can't help but wonder if these are the stories that weren't good enough for the first one.  The second half of the book is all about his "post-fame life," which basically translates into how easy it is for him to get laid now.  This might very well be the most uninspired writing he's ever put out.  It feels lazy and silly.  I don't care that you can put a post up on your website and sluts come flocking from all over the country just for the chance to sex you up.  Which, according to this girl isn't that fantastic.

Half of the fun in his stories are the chase, then the conquest.  His interactions with these girls before sleeping with them are half the fun.  The fact that he can insult them, break them down emotionally, and they still hop in the sack with him is fascinating.  The Post Fame Sex Stories aren't like that.  The girls just come over and fuck him, act crazy, throw things at him, then leave, never to hear from him again.  

Overall, "Assholes Finish First" is worth a read.  Is it worth a purchase?  I would read a couple stories in a bookstore before you drop your hard-earned cash on it.  For the hardcore Tucker fans that fall over his every word and check his website daily for updates, this is a masterpiece.  For the casual fan... not so much.


6 out of 10

The Runaways (2010)

 Cool Kids

So I must admit, I hadn't heard anything about this movie until a friend told me about it.  And his description of it wasn't anything about the film itself, just that "Little Dakota Fanning and the chick from Twilight totally have girl sex."  Needless to say, I was intrigued.  "That chick from Twilight" is of course none other than Kristen Stewart.  I have seen all the Twilight movies (after all, I do have a vagina), but the only one that really showcased Stewart's acting ability was New Moon.  The scenes where she was depressed because her 100-year-old virgin ran away from her were spine-chilling.  I literally had goosebumps.  Other than that, I haven't gotten many wow moments out of her throughout the series. 
  
The Runaways is completely different.  You can tell this girl put everything she had into this performance, and it shows.  She even chopped all her hair off for the role, something that couldn't have gone over well with the suits at Summit.  But Stewart doesn't really look like the kind of girl who gives a shit about what other people think anyway.

Anywho, onto the movie.  Basically, unless you were born in the 90s, you probably know who Joan Jett is.  Badass rocker chick, totally unheard-of-ballsy for her time.  In the 70s, there weren't girl bands, especially not girl rock bands.  But, Joan knew what she wanted, and she went and got it.  With the help of a creep of a manager, Kim Fowley (played by Michael Shannon, who by the way, plays Agent Van Alden on Boardwalk Empire, and he's a creeper there, too.  I'm sensing a pattern here.), Joan grabs a rag-tag group of ladies who  are willing to get beer bottles thrown at their heads on the way to success.  Among Joan's newfound friends is none other than Cherie Currie, the 70s equivalent of Miley Cyrus and Lindsey Lohan put together.  That's in terms of crazy, not talent.

There is a lot of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.  But after all, this was the 1970s.  Things weren't as they are now.  There weren't responsible chaperones on the tours these girls went on.  There wasn't anybody watching them, telling them, "Don't take that pill, you need to play a show in 15 minutes."  They had complete freedom, and, being teenage girls, there was a lot they felt they needed to experience.

Dakota Fanning puts on a memorable performance as always.  We all know how talented this girl is, but holy shit.  I've never seen her in anything so dark, so serious, but she did an excellent job.  There was an extremely disturbing scene where she trades sexual favors for drugs, which made me feel completely dirty to watch.  This is little Dakota Fanning on my screen here.  I've watched her grow up since I Am Sam.  However, as Cherie Currie, she dresses sexy and dances provocatively and sleeps with tons of people and does all sorts of drugs.  This is definitely not the Dakota Fanning I remember.  But, they all have to grow up sometime.          

Together, Stewart and Fanning have great chemistry.  Either they are just the best actresses in the world, or these two are friends in real life.  They played off each other so well and they were a perfect pairing for Jett and Currie, who had a very deep and complex relationship.  They also perform a lot of The Runaways songs in the film, which are surprisingly good.

 ZOMG!!! PRON!!!!1!!1

Now, onto the smooch.  Seriously, after hearing all the hoopla on this thing, actually seeing it on screen made me look at my TV puzzled and say, "That was it?"  I was expecting something much more hardcore than what was actually shown.  To even think that was made out to be a big deal puzzles me.  Don't get me wrong, it was hot.  Completely sexy.  But a big deal?  No. 

Throughout the film, you see the typical rise and fall of a rock band.  Along the way though, is something you don't see in every run-of-the-mill movie based on a failed band.  You actually start to care about the characters.  You're praying that Cherie gets her shit together, even though history tells you she doesn't, because her talent is something that needs to be shared with the world.  And honestly, by the end of the movie, it's heartbreaking to see her working a menial job.  You see Joan, who has this badass exterior, but actually has a heart and seemingly only cares for two things in the world:  her music and Cherie.

Now, as much as I liked the film, there are some flaws.  The only backstory you receive is of Cherie Currie.  Apparently Joan and the rest of the girls appeared from nothing, and therefore had no attachments to concern themselves with.  There are snarky, off-hand comments from Joan about her father, but they don't really tell you much.  The script seems to cover up its holes with gratuitous use of the word "fuck" and its various uses.  But the character performances more than make up for it.  Stewart and Fanning brought their A-game for this one, folks.  

This movie surprised me,which I like to think is difficult to do.  But it was surprising in the best possible way, which is saying a lot.  Stewart and Fanning work together beautifully, Shannon creeps me out as usual, and I dusted off my Joan Jett playlist on my iPod.  Everybody wins in this film.  I loved it, and you should definitely give it a shot.


8 out of 10

Intro

So basically... I'm into a lot of different things.  I love movies, I watch way too much TV, I play more video games than is good for my sleeping habits... I just love to be entertained, no matter what form that entertainment may be coming from.  In this blog, I will talk to you about the things I'm into at the moment.  And it changes by the moment, believe me.  I've got a severe case of ADD.  So I will attempt to keep this updated, as long as Black Ops isn't stealing my soul.