Tucker Max - Assholes Finish First

Douchebag

Tucker Max is a guy that I love to hate.  The way that he objectifies women is appalling.  However, the kind of women that find him attractive are the kind of women that are sort of setting themselves up for failure.  How can you solicit sex from a self-described asshole that you meet on his website and then be surprised when he calls you a slut on said website? 

In case you have been living under a rock for the past 6 years, Tucker Max is a pseudo-celebrity that gained fame from a blog posting his drunken sex stories.  Then he wrote a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that was hilarious and witty.  Then there was a movie based on that book that was one of the worst things I have ever witnessed in my life, and that includes the birthing scene from Knocked Up.  And now there is "Assholes Finish First."

Tucker describes himself much more eloquently than I ever could, conveniently located on the home page of his website:  "I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead." 

Not surprisingly, Tucker is wildly famous among frat boys ("Oh my God bro, Tucker totally gets us!  We're practically living the same life!") and virgins who I'm assuming are living vicariously through his stories.  It's mostly college aged kids that get into this guy, which is kinda weird since he's in his 30s now.  What's even weirder is that he regularly sleeps with 18-year-olds.  And writes about it.  I can't be the only person creeped out by this.

As much of a creeper as I think Tucker is, I'm still a fan.  However, it's one of those things I hate to admit that I like, much like my addiction to Gossip Girl.  I would have never gotten that into him, except that it was sort of  forced down my throat.  See, my drill sergeants would read us bedtimes stories all throughout basic training of what we were missing on the outside.  Those bedtime stories just happened to be selected stories from "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell."  So when I got home, I checked out his website.  Then I bought his book.  It's been downhill from there.

"I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" is humorous.  It's full of stories that are probably elaborated, but still funny.  They include but are not limited to:  Tucker fucks a midget, Tucker tries butt sex, Tucker shits himself all over a hotel lobby, and Tucker tries absinthe.  In case you haven't noticed a theme here, Tucker loves himself... just a smidge.  He thinks he is the funniest, smartest, most attractive, most clever person alive.  Granted, he is funny (but not as funny as he thinks), apparently smart (he claims to have made it through law school without ever doing work and rarely going to class), mildly attractive (but looks his age), and occasionally witty (but most of his jokes involve making fun of fat people and sluts).

Regardless of how egotistical this guy is, he knows how to tell a story.  So I had high hopes for "Assholes Finish First."  However, it falls flat.  The first part is more of the same from IHTSBIH, but since most of the stories are dated prior to the release of that book, I can't help but wonder if these are the stories that weren't good enough for the first one.  The second half of the book is all about his "post-fame life," which basically translates into how easy it is for him to get laid now.  This might very well be the most uninspired writing he's ever put out.  It feels lazy and silly.  I don't care that you can put a post up on your website and sluts come flocking from all over the country just for the chance to sex you up.  Which, according to this girl isn't that fantastic.

Half of the fun in his stories are the chase, then the conquest.  His interactions with these girls before sleeping with them are half the fun.  The fact that he can insult them, break them down emotionally, and they still hop in the sack with him is fascinating.  The Post Fame Sex Stories aren't like that.  The girls just come over and fuck him, act crazy, throw things at him, then leave, never to hear from him again.  

Overall, "Assholes Finish First" is worth a read.  Is it worth a purchase?  I would read a couple stories in a bookstore before you drop your hard-earned cash on it.  For the hardcore Tucker fans that fall over his every word and check his website daily for updates, this is a masterpiece.  For the casual fan... not so much.


6 out of 10