The Last Song (2010)

People Who Matter

Miley Cyrus:  Ronnie Miller

Liam Hemsworth:  Will Blakelee

Greg Kinnear:  Steve Miller 

Bobby Coleman:  Jonah Miller

Ronnie (Cyrus) and her younger brother Jonah (Coleman) are forced into moving in with their father (Kinnear) for the summer.  Apparently Ronnie's teen angst has become too much for her mother to handle.  And man, this girl is angsty.  Her parents got divorced and she blames the ordeal entirely on her father.  Ronnie launched herself into a self-destructive depression in which she steals and (GASP) stops playing piano.  Jonah seems much better acclimated to the new living conditions, and is more than ecstatic about spending the summer bonding with his dad.

Ronnie on the other hand, is a bitch from the moment she steps on the screen.  I'm sorry, but how am I supposed to feel any sort of compassion for this girl when she is a complete asshole for absolutely no reason?  She has a total of two looks throughout the entire thing (sneering and scowling) and only one voice (deep and manly).  Add that to how she treats her father, who seems like a genuinely good guy, and I hated her from start.

But of course, the town hunk Will (Hemsworth) immediately becomes interested in her, despite the fact that she was a bitch to him as well.  This is probably not the best message to be sending to young girls (who have to be the target audience of this shit shoot... Miley Cyrus is apparently still a big draw)... be a bitch and the boys will still chase after you.  Great life lessons there, Sparks.  Will comes with his own baggage (he's a total man-slut), something that makes Ronnie irate even though they had only been on one date and couldn't possibly have been in "that place" yet. 

The next hour passes with musical montage scenes where Ronnie and Will are falling in love, but then they will get into a fight over something stupid, but then they will realize that their two-week love is something that just isn't going away, so they will make up and be happy for another few minutes or so.  Ugh.  The entire thing is contrived and forced and neither actor seems interested in anything but making out.  Which they do.  A lot.  Nothing else though... this is a PG Disney movie, after all.  

Anyways, Jonah seems just as exasperated with his bitch of a sister as I was, but does immerse himself into a stupid subplot with his father involving stained glass windows.  I'm assuming this was inserted into the movie just so there can be some sort of religion in there, because again, this is Sparks we are dealing with here.  It has to take place in the South, it has to involve rich people in some way, shape, or form, there has to be some terminal disease, and there has to be religion.  Sparks is just as predictable in this one as he has been in every one before it, however, the other ones usually involve actors who know what they are doing and have some chemistry.  The Last Song has neither.  

By the time the big dramatic twist happens, I'm so uninterested that I didn't even care.  It's something I have seen so many times before and will see so many more times.  Especially since Sparks seems hell-bent on writing books that make it on the big screen until the end of time.  And with such a winning formula (cue sarcasm), what can go wrong? 

Le sigh.  Nicholas Sparks attempts to cash in on yet another one of his novels that are so beloved by middle-aged women having emotional crises.  I had no intention of ever watching this movie, but once again I let my friend (who I love to death, but bless her she loves some terrible ass movies) talk me into "just giving it a shot."  It was just as bad as I knew it would be.  Combine that with the fact that I hate Miley Cyrus, who for some reason seems worse than normal in this one, and this was almost two hours of hell for me.  Everything about it fails, except for the sea turtles.  Those little bastards are cute.

3 out of 10

The Switch (2010)

People Who Matter: 

Jason Bateman:  Wally Mars

Jennifer Aniston:  Kassie Larson

Patrick Wilson:  Roland

Thomas Robinson:  Sebastian

Here we go again...  Jennifer Aniston in yet another cookie-cutter romantic comedy that is mediocre all the way through.   This one at least attempted to be interesting and unique though, so I will give them that.  For once, Aniston's co-star steals the show from her.  Maybe she's losing her touch, or maybe she finally got a co-star that can actually act.  

Wally and Kassie are best friends despite the fact that they dated many years ago and something (it's never really explained) happened to break them up.  Ever since, Wally has attempted to date other women but ultimately none of them work out either.  Of course it's because he's in love with Kassie, but it wouldn't be a very interesting movie if he figured that out from the get-go.  Actually, this movie isn't that interesting at all, so I kinda wish he had figured it out a lot sooner. 

Anyway, Kassie decides that she wants a baby and doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come around, so she does what any rational woman would do and gets a sperm donor.  Judging by the company she keeps (her girlfriends thought it would be a good idea to throw a party for her the night she receives the seed), I can't say I'm surprised she hasn't found a husband.  Anywho, at said party, Wally gets incredibly drunk (he is depressed because Kassie turned down his offer to be the donor) and switches his sperm with that of the rock-climbing donor Roland (Wilson).  Not even kidding.  Like I said, at least they get points for it being original, regardless of how stupid it is.  Kassie decides New York isn't the best place to raise a baby and heads to her parents' hometown in Minnesota or some such place. 

It picks back up a few years later.  Kassie is back in town for good with her now 6-year-old son Sebastian.  Sebastian is... an interesting child.  He is obsessed with collecting picture frames, but with the original generic pictures kept inside.  He makes up stories for everyone in the pictures, assigning them roles in his family.  He is delightfully charming and the very best part of this movie.  

Even during Wally and Sebastian's first scene together, it is very obvious that Wally is the father.  Obvious to everyone except those involved, of course.  You see, the night Wally swapped the spooge, he was so drunk he blacked out and has no recollection of it.  After a few days spent with Sebastian, he starts to get suspicious of their similar mannerisms.  He, with the help of his friend Leonard (Jeff Goldblum, hilarious as always) started to piece together the night and his memories start coming back.  

All the while he is starting to realize his feelings for Kassie, she is getting closer and closer to the newly divorced "donor" Roland.  Wally tries again and again to convince her this is a bad idea, but she is a stubborn woman and doesn't listen.  Therein lies a huge problem with not just this movie, but almost all romantic comedies.  It could all be solved if Wally had just told her what he did and admitted his feelings.  But no, they feel the need to drag it out while she gets closer and closer to another guy.  It's stupid.  Who are these people?

Rant over.  Sebastian hates Roland, because he has the uncanny child-ability of a no-bullshit detector and even he understands his IQ is higher than his supposed father.  Roland pushes it, and in all fairness he does try to get closer to the kid, but Sebastian isn't having any of it.  Kassie doesn't seem to care though.  You would think a mother who is completely devoted to her child would make his feelings a little higher priority than her own... but whatever.   

Eventually... well I don't really need to tell you.  You have seen a rom-com before, and they all end in almost the exact same way.  The only saving grace with this one is Sebastian.  That little kid is awesome, but even he can't save his boring "parents" and their lack of chemistry.  They are so robotic and so unbelievable, it's almost like watching siblings trying to do a romantic scene.  And I'm not talking about backwoods Kentucky where that actually happens. 

It's amazing that Jennifer Aniston still takes these bullshit roles.  She is a very well-known actress, yet continually makes these God-awful movies that get terrible reviews.  She needs to either fire her agent or just take some time off.  Her career is sinking further and further into the toilet.  For a far more entertaining movie about insemination, watch The Kids Are All Right.   That movie kicked ass.  This movie blows.  

4 out of 10

I Am Number Four (2011)

People Who Matter:  

Alex Pettyfer:  John/Number 4

Timothy Olyphant:  Henri

Teresa Palmer:  Number 6

Dianna Agron:  Sarah

A teenager from the planet Lorien (Pettyfer) is on the run across the country with his protector Henri (Olyphant) from ruthless and evil guys (from the planet Mogador) that want to kill him because he was one of the Nine children that escaped from Lorian during what I'm sure was an enthralling battle.  These Nine children are "gifted" and that is supposed to protect them from these evil people that for some reason want them all dead, but that obviously isn't working as they are getting picked off left and right.  Right from the get-go, there are so many questions that are completely ignored by the filmmakers, but whatever.  I sat there and tried to bite. 

Until I saw the Evils on the screen, which literally made me chuckle out loud.  They look like Lord Voldemort fucked a fish, and they were the less intimidating, mentally-handicapped offspring.  They are made even more ridiculous by their massive tribal head tattoos.  And why is it that these guys have gill-like slits on their faces, yet the Numbered kids (from what I assume is a close planet to the Evils, judging by how pissed off these big bad dudes are at the kids) are completely hot and fit right into everyday America?  How can they all survive here in the first place?  Why are these kids so important that they are getting inter-galactically chased at all?  My frustration with this movie started at the very beginning and didn't stop until the very end. 

John is cockblocked by his leg glowing, signaling Number Three had just been taken down, so Henri packs their crap and moves them to Paradise, Ohio.  Pretty quickly, John meets a few high school cliches:  the hot but tortured cheerleader-turned-photographer, the jock ex of said tortured artist, and the nerd who's really a great guy once you get to know him (because all guys who look like John totally hang out with UFO-obsessed nerds).  Of course, John falls in love with the first girl he meets, the photographer Sarah (Agron) much to the dismay of her ex-boyfriend Mark (Jake Abel), but that doesn't matter because when Loriens love, they love FOREVER.  

Henri gets frustrated with John, possibly because he lets his little girlfriend take stalker-ish pictures of him and put him on the Internet, or possibly because he insisted on enrolling in high school even though he is from another planet and they are obviously way smarter than we are (they traveled from Lorien to Earth and got here while they were still young and hot).  Henri wants John to stay off the grid which John refuses to do.  Instead, he chooses to stay in school even when his hands start lighting up, and beating up bullies on the weekend to protect his girlfriend and his new-found nerdy best friend (Callan McAuliffe).  

Eventually (and painfully too much time passes before this happens) the Evils catch wind of where John is hanging out (it probably showed up in their News Feeds) and they come with a vengeance.  It all comes to head in an "epic" battle at the high school in which Number Six comes and saves the day.  Before that, though, there are some weird flying things that resemble squirrels more than anything else (who are just as intimidating as their Voldemort-fish handlers) who try to take out the Numbers, but their glowing fists are just too powerful.  

The CGI is just as cheesy and lame as the rest of the movie.  It tries so hard to ride the coat tails of Harry Potter and Twilight but ends up doing everything epically wrong.  Even the actors don't seem to be that interested in what they are doing.  Honestly, the only people who should watch this movie are the family members of the actors (because they have to) but even they will probably be counting the minutes until they can bolt from their seats. 

3 out of 10 

Black Swan (2010)

 People Who Matter: 

Natalie Portman:  Nina Sayers

Mila Kunis:  Lily 

Barbara Hershey:  Erica Sayers

Vincent Cassel:  Thomas Leroy

Twenty minutes into this movie, I was sure I was going to hate it.  There is not a lot about ballet that interests me, and seeing women that are literally skin and bones compete against each other in such a gruesome and demanding field does nothing for me.  Yes, it is beautiful to watch but, to me at least, there are far more interesting forms of art I like to see.  However, even though it starts out slow as hell (because I'm not gonna lie, it really does start off excruciatingly slow and boring), it quickly switches into high gear.  There's a lot going on in this one.

Nina (Portman) is an extremely dedicated and hard-working ballet dancer at an exclusive New York ballet company.  When the part of the Swan Queen becomes available, she jumps at the opportunity.  However, although she is an excellent White Swan, being timid, shy, bashful, and extremely innocent, she does not have the makings of the Black Swan.  Regardless, her choreographer Thomas (Cassel) decides to take a chance on her, which I assume is so he can break her into the Black Swan role by seducing her, because he is a huge man-slut.   

Nina lives at home in a tiny apartment with her mom, Erica (Hershey).  Erica was once a dancer and you realize early on why Nina is such a meticulous perfectionist.  Her mother is the definition of over-bearing and controlling.  Obviously, she failed as a dancer and is living vicariously through her daughter.  It's clear that Nina enjoys ballet, but I couldn't help but wonder early on if she had a different upbringing if she would have ended up the way she was.  That kind of sheltering rarely has good outcomes on a child. 

In stark contrast with Nina's White Swan perfection is Lily (Kunis) who would be the perfect Black Swan.  She is new to the company, but what she lacks in precision and grace she more than makes up for in sexual passion and charisma.  If these two women could somehow be combined, the company would have the perfection re-imagination of Swan Lake.  Since that is not possible, Thomas resigns to have Lily spend some time with Nina and hopefully bring her out of her shell.  This doesn't exactly go well.  There is liquor, Ecstasy, and some girl sex.  On top of Lily's partying antics (and the fact that she may or may not be trying to steal the show from Nina), Thomas continuously tries to sleep with Nina, which I'm assuming will make her a better Black Swan. Although Nina claims she has had sex before, she sure doesn't act like it. 

Throughout the movie it becomes clear that Nina is slowly but surely losing herself completely in her art.  She is literally driving herself crazy.  She herself can't tell the difference between what is real and what she is imagining, leaving it quite difficult for the audience.  That being said, director Darren Aronofsky doesn't leave us out to dry, showing some deviation between reality and what's going on in Nina's fucked up head. 

The performances were amazing in every role.  Portman does an excellent job of playing an innocent ballet dancer, and then morphs herself into a lunatic.  Kunis is always solid, regardless of the role, and I think she made the perfect frenemy to Portman.  They worked very well together.  Hershey was downright creepy in the mother role.  Cassel oozed sexuality and commanded the screen.

Thankfully, Black Swan stops before it became an all-out psycho movie.  It ends exactly where it needs to, in exactly the way it needs to. 

9.5 out of 10

Due Date (2010)

People Who Matter:  

Robert Downey Jr:   Peter Highman

Zack Galifianakis:  Ethan Tremblay 

The premise is simple:  a super-serious architect and a wacky, aspiring actor (can you guess who is who?) run into each other (literally) at an airport, and after some... difficulties end up on a cross-country journey full of shenanigans and crazy adventures, including a drug deal, a run-in with Border Patrol, and a fight with a handicapped Western Union worker.  The thing you have to believe when watching Due Date is that it's not believable.  The whole thing is ridiculous, but honestly that's what makes it funny.  Seeing these two guys and their budding bromance is not something that is rare by any means, but it's still funny.

The story starts with Peter (Downey Jr.) boarding a plane to Los Angeles so he can get home to his soon-to-be-birthing wife, running into Ethan (Galifianakis) who is going to Hollywood (not LA, Hollywood) to be a famous actor, because everyone who goes to Hollywood becomes a famous actor.  They end up accidentally switching bags, and Peter ends up with Ethan's "glaucoma medicine," which TSA agents like to call marijuana.  Somehow, the TSA agents only confiscate the drugs and allow him to board the plane.  That situation was made even more hilarious by Peter's line, "I've never done drugs in my life!"  Coming out of Downey's mouth, that was the first laugh-out-loud moment of the movie.  Anyways, back to the movie.  Peter is obviously upset at Ethan, and lets him have it.  Ethan starts making comments about bombs and terrorists, which are the two worst things to talk about on an airplane.  Both men get kicked off the plane, and Peter didn't have a chance to grab his stuff beforehand, leaving him without his bags or, more importantly, his wallet.

Thus begins their cross-country road trip.  Since Peter has no ID or credit card, he is forced to hitch a ride with Ethan and his weird little dog.  Not long in, Ethan stops in Alabama to buy some pot from a woman he met on Craigslist (sounds legit).  While Ethan is in the kitchen doing one of the most... interesting scene reenactments I have ever seen, Peter is in the living room engaging in some good old fashioned child abuse.

Soon we find out that Ethan was in Atlanta for his father's funeral and has been carrying his ashes around in a "vacuum sealed" coffee can ever since.  Not only is that creepy and weird, why the hell would you put remains in a coffee can?  That's just asking for disaster, which would totally never happen.  No sir, not in this movie.  We also quickly find out that Ethan has to masturbate before he goes to sleep, and doesn't care if he is sleeping in a car with another man.  Not only does he masturbate, his dog does as well.  Which is almost as funny as when I saw Carlos the baby "masturbating" in The Hangover.   

"I told you I was a deep sleeper."

There's a pretty spectacular car crash that would most certainly involve the death of everyone involved in real life, which this thankfully is not.  But even that's okay because Ethan did opt for the renter's insurance.  There's a fun scene at the border where both guys are high as a kite and accidentally get in the line to go to Mexico that doesn't really end well, although as Peter points out, "I've never heard of anyone trying to sneak into Mexico."  After that, the bonding that we knew was coming from the start finally happens.  They end up at the Grand Canyon and have a good bro moment, but that is quickly cut short by confessions from both men.

Peter gets the call he's been waiting for:  his wife is going into labor, which results in a mad dash trying to get there on time.  At the end of the movie, Ethan suggests them hanging out and Peter kind of blows him off, but does say, "Welcome to Hollywood" that lets you know everything is gonna be okay between these two unlikely oddballs.  They will find a way to be friends, because that's just how movies are.

There are some huge wastes of cameos in this movie as well.  Juliette Lewis plays the drug dealer, and her part is over far too soon.  Jamie Foxx plays one of Peter's friends, and his part is almost entirely useless, except for the truck bump that was shown in the preview.  Overall, it has its funny parts.  Not enough for the two actors playing in it, but enough to make it watchable.  There is nothing here that you haven't seen before in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.  Hell, even Road Trip was better.  But it is worth some chuckles.

7 out of 10 

Buried (2010)

Person Who Matters: 

 Ryan Reynolds:  Paul Conroy

The first handful of seconds are completely black... you hear only the panting of an unseen person.  Soon, a lighter flicks on and you see the man you will be spending the next 90-some-odd minutes with.  Paul Conroy (Reynolds) is visibly (and understandably) freaked the fuck out, he doesn't know where he is or who put him there, and the light provided from the Zippo he found isn't nearly enough to produce comfort.  Soon confusion becomes a heart-wrenching reality, as he maneuvers his Zippo the best he can and realizes he is buried inside a coffin.  Thankfully, the coffin is larger than the norm so he is allowed a little more mobility than would usually be offered.  

Paul Conroy is a civilian contractor working in Iraq driving trucks.  The last thing he remembers is his convoy being attacked by terrorists (or someone) and him blacking out.  Upon waking up, his worst fears have surely been realized.  He finds a cell phone.  The writing is not in English.  Obviously his captors want him to use it... they will need to prove he is alive, after all.  He thinks quickly, calling anyone and everyone he can think of, desperately trying to obtain rescue from his horrendous situation.  

He calls his wife (no answer), 911 (no help, due to the bitch answering the phone), his workplace (no help), the State Department (not a lot of help, but they do refer him to someone who might be able to help).  The calls are extremely frustrating as it seems every person wants Paul's life story before they decide they can or cannot help him.  This is even more important because the battery on Paul's Crackberry isn't going to last forever.  Each second on the phone is precious, and I can't blame the guy for losing his cool on some of these people.  His captors call a few times, first demanding ransom that he couldn't possibly have, then demanding a video not unlike one that has been played on the news far too many times from a captured American in the Middle East. 

I guess it would be important to mention that the entirety of the movie takes place in the confines of the coffin.  While Paul is making his frantic phone calls, you hear the voices on the other end, but their faces and reactions are left up entirely to you as the viewer to imagine.  So, if you happen to be claustrophobic, this movie is probably more terrifying than the birthing scene from Knocked Up.  Shit, I'm not even claustrophobic and there were times I had to literally take a deep breath and remind myself I was fine, in a nice large comfortable room. 

I was sucked into the experience by Reynolds, who plays a fantastic Everyman.  He really could be anybody.  Just a normal, middle-class guy who wants to get back to his family.  Watching him become more frantic by the second as his air supply dwindles along with his cell phone battery made my spine tingle.  There are no laughs to be had in this one, and it's definitely not one for the weak of heart.  

feel like you're there yet?

There is so much going on during the 93 minutes, both internally as an audience and from what you see... it's just not something you expect to see in 2010.  Movies aren't supposed to be made like this... with one actor in a box and no cut-aways.  And they definitely aren't supposed to work.  But this one most definitely does.  Ryan Reynolds is fabulous from beginning to end.  It's an ending I wouldn't dream of ruining for you, but it's one you won't forget for a while, that's for sure.  

9 out of 10

What I'm Into Right Now

RayWilliamJohnson - the premise of this guy is not that interesting.  He reviews viral videos, something that tons of people do.  What he does that not a lot of people do is make it hilarious and enjoyable, without being too mean to the people in the videos (Daniel Tosh, I love you, but I'm looking at you).  He has also branched out to do music videos that are hilarious, with such gems as "Doing Your Mom" and "Zombie Love Song."
Do yourself a favor and clickity

Entourage - I had missed several seasons and have spent most of my current sickly state with the flu catching up.  I'm on season 6, and I just love this show.  Not only does it truly show the ups and downs of the entertainment business, but the random pop-ins of real celebrities is an added treat.  Not to mention that it's hilarious.

Red Dead Redemption - this is a game I have for a long, long time but just haven't finished.  I know, I'm slow and I suck.  Whatever.   Well I finally beat it and let me tell you, it pissed me off something fierce.  I go through all that shit to get my family back, then I finally do, and I spend the next hour doing busy work that I already did at the beginning of this freaking game, then just when I think I'm gonna get my happily-ever-after, or at least my happily-I-can-do-whatever-the-hell-I-want-now, the feds come and kill me?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Then, I have to spend the rest of my time playing as my douchebag son, who after all those chats about him wanting to be better than me by reading all them there fancy books and such, ends up just like his daddy?  Fuck this, I'm playing Call of Duty.

Ryan Reynolds - I really, really love this guy.  Despite the fact that he is no longer one-half of the most ridiculously beautiful couple to ever grace the planet, he's an awesome guy with some serious acting abilities.  You can't really tell from Waiting... or any of those goofy movies he's usually in, but he can act.  Go watch Buried.  

Top Gear - the real Top Gear, mind you.  The British one with the bad teeth and the fun puns, and the Big Stars I've never heard of.  I was so glad to see you again.  I've missed you guys.  Not that the American Top Gear is bad... it's entertaining, but as is everything we steal from the Brits, theirs is just better.  And hearing them talk about how much better they are never gets old.

BAFTAs - While I'm on BBC's dick, might as well mention how stoked I am about the BAFTAs.  I only look forward to a couple award shows every year, the Golden Globes, the BAFTAs, and the Oscars.  Sure, I'll watch the abortions that are the People's Choice Awards and the MTV Movie Awards, but they are so lame that I end up laughing my way through it or just switching it off altogether.  The BAFTAs are Sunday, and they mean the Oscars are right around the corner.   

Now I've watched a ton of movies this week while I've been lying in bed complaining about my pain.  A lot of reviews are coming.  Some of them good, some of them bad.  One of them in particular is not going to be popular.  But again, whatever.  Everybody has different tastes.  So, I'm gonna get to work on those.