The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)

The end is here - the final Twilight installment is in theaters and will be out of our lives sooner than you can say "momentary indiscretion" (too soon?).  Breaking Dawn Part Two crams a lot into its 2 hour run time, and most of it I did not care about.  We are introduced to about a hundred vampires who all have screen time for some reason, when let's be honest, we all just want to see the PG-13 vampire-on-vampire sex.  Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart) have a human/vampire hybrid of a baby that is immediately "imprinted" on by Jacob (Taylor Lautner), their werewolf friend.  In case you haven't been keeping up with Stephenie Meyer's insane, made-up folklore, imprinting is when a werewolf falls in love with their soul mate.  Did I mention this happened immediately after the child's birth?  Yeah folks, there's pedophilia in this one.  Of course, in typical Twilight fashion, they have to try to make it less creepy by having Jacob insist he isn't sexually attracted to the baby while Bella tries to rip his head off. 

While I'm on the subject of the baby, can I just mention how fucking creepy that thing was?  It was a CGI baby that looked like a mix of Robert and Kristen's faces and it now haunts my dreams.  That baby comes for your soul while you sleep.  It was absolutely terrifying.  Right then, back to the movie. 

There is strange pacing all throughout this one.  It starts slow and light-hearted, and then all the sudden the shit hits the fan when the big bad Volturi get word that Edward and Bella have created a child vampire.  Which, of course, is not the case, but Aro (Martin Sheen) is gunning for the Cullen family because he wants Alice (Ashley Greene) to join him and isn't listening to reason.  This is all leading up to a massive showdown with the Authority - I mean, the Volturi - so Edward enlists the help of his vampire friends from around the globe to try and plead their case. 



There is a bunch of crap in the middle, but none of it is really important.  There's a particularly hilarious moment between Jacob and Bella's dad Charlie (Billy Burke) in which Jacob strips down and changes into a wolf right in front of him.  The other vampires hang out and talk about murdering people, all leading up to the epic finale that is the biggest example of a bait-and-switch I have ever seen.  The Volturi come and prepare to do battle with the Cullen family, their vampire friends, and the werewolves.  Ultimately though, it is all bullshit.  You see a pretty sweet battle with heads being ripped off, wolves dying, and generally cool action (even if it followed along the lines of the rest of the movies and was incredibly cheesy at times) that ends with a "Gotcha!" by Bill Condon, who I imagine was drumming his fingers on his chin with a shit-eating grin while he watched this.  The best part of it was Michael Sheen's weird laugh when he meets Renesmee.  Cinema gold. 

I don't mean for this to sound entirely negative.  There is something for everyone here - romance, action, Bella finally getting to release her badass side, humor - enough to make it a decent date night movie where the boyfriend isn't going to want to hang himself after it's over.  Fans of the saga will love it and ultimately, those are the people you need to please. 

At the end of the day, this is the best Twilight installment without question.  However, I am glad it is over.  Now Kristen Stewart can go back to doing indies, that, even if no one sees them, truly show what she is capable of as an actor.  Robert Pattinson can go out and show the world what he can do as well, as he will be a busy, busy boy for the next few years. 



The Hangover Part II (2011)

People Who Matter:  

Bradley Cooper:  Phil

Ed Helms:  Stu

Zack Galifiankis:  Alan

Justin Bartha:  Doug

Here we go again.  Seeing as how the first film came out of nowhere and grossed $485 million, it was only a matter of time before a sequel hit.  Hollywood is a numbers game, after all.  Now, what needs to be addressed early and often, especially with this type of sequel, is that there's not going to be anything new except for the jokes.  Those expecting an entirely new story were obviously looking for an entirely new movie.  The biggest surprise in this one is that it somehow managed to slip away with just an R rating, and that's not a joke.  There is some crazy stuff in this one, stuff that makes Alan's elevator fellatio seem like the opening sequence to the new SpongeBob SquarePants movie.  

Usually, I spend this time discussing the plot... but if you've seen the first one (which, let's be honest, you have and you laughed your ass off) you know the story.  The movie opens with Phil (Cooper) making that dreaded wedding day phone call that doesn't even come as a shock to the person on the other end.  Then the movie backs it up a few weeks, where we learn Stu (Helms) is getting married to Lauren (Jamie Chung) soon, and he wants needs it to go off without a hitch because Lauren's dad is a dick and he hates Stu.  So, Stu logically wants to keep Alan completely out of the picture (unsuccessfully), and wants to have a "bachelor brunch" at IHOP instead of an actual bachelor party.   Of course, Phil would never let that happen, and as soon as they get to Thailand, he talks Stu into one beer on the beach with his boys.  They make jokes about how the beers are sealed and they aren't going to get roofied.  Yeah... about that, guys.  

Speaking of roofies, Alan, who was probably my favorite character throughout both films, returns as his usual crazy self.  We first see him in his room, barking orders to his mom through a speaker system about his lunch.  He describes himself as a "stay-at-home-son" and has pictures of their escapades in Vegas blown up and plastered around his bedroom.  Clearly, that was the best time he's ever had in his life and he was extremely upset that Stu didn't want him to go to his wedding.  The boys feel bad and invite him, despite everyone's misgivings, to which he immediately gives himself medical care that he is definitely not qualified to give, showing everybody this is going to be one interesting ride.  Before their departure to Thailand, Alan takes an immediate dislike that is borderline hatred to Lauren's little brother Teddy (Mason Lee), a 16-year-old genius who is pre-med at Stanford.  Alan is not too happy about anybody intruding on the Wolf Pack. 

 Despite their single beers on the beach, they wake up in a seedy hotel room that is clearly far from the resort they left the night before.  Stu has a massive tattoo on the side of his face, Alan's head is shaved, and Phil... well, Phil got off easy again.  They have misplaced Teddy, although they do find something rather important that belongs to him.  Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) makes a reappearance, and we see his genitals... again.  

They search the city in an attempt to find clues as to what happened, and they learn far more than they wanted to know.  There are crime bosses, car chases, shoot-outs, drug-dealing monkeys, ladyboys, monks doing blow, and missing fingers, all through the seedy underbelly of Bangkok, a city where sex and drugs seem to rule.  Paul Giamatti plays an interesting part as Kingsley, a guy who is not too happy with Mr. Chow. 

Again is something I have said a lot in this review, which might be contradictory to some, but I disagree.  Todd Phillips took the "If it isn't broken, don't fix it formula" and created something that isn't new at all, but has new ways to keep people entertained.  And this movie certainly is entertaining.  It was funny from start to finish.  I went to the midnight showing, which admittedly was full of mostly drunk people, but there were steady laughs the entire way through.  If you are easily disgusted/offended, don't stick around for the slideshow at the end.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  

7.5 out of 10

What I Love Right Now

Yes, I am still alive.  I've been really busy lately, mostly with moving and being under the weather with what I am convinced is the black plague.  But, updates are on the way.  Because you and I both know that this is the very best part of your day. 

Anyways, here are a few things that kept me thoroughly entertained during my prolonged sickness.

Bones - seriously, I had forgotten how much I freaking love this show.  Despite the fact that the show's creators have been jerking my emotions around for... what, like six seasons now... this is a great show right to the core.  But I'm not completely caught up so DON'T TELL ME if what I want to happen so badly actually happens.  I'm still like 10 episodes behind, so don't be a dick.  Snarky comments and subtle comedy plus MURHDAH equals a great time for all involved.

On the Road - I just reread this book, and it remains one of my favorites.  I was called pretentious the other day because I listed it as one of my favorite novels, but in all honesty it is.  And I don't understand how that makes me pretentious, but that's a different story for a different day.  The characters are unlike any others (especially Dean... oh how I love and loathe Dean) and the story of just being free and having fun with your friends while you figure out your life is something that, I believe, is timeless.  Plus, the fact that it is soon to be a movie (like this year, I believe... there was apparently an extended trailer played at Cannes) made me wanna reread so that it was completely fresh on my brain.

Reese Witherspoon - I can't really put a finger on why I love Reese Witherspoon so much, but I really do.  I don't think she's a spectacular actress.  Don't get me wrong, she is good and is very deserving of her Academy Award for her role in Walk the Line, but she has produced some serious crap in the past as well.  But I've always loved her, even if the movies she is in are garbage.  Maybe it's that sweet southern charm or the fact that she seems like a really down-to-earth, normal person.  I don't know what it is, but I love her.  She's on the brain because I've recently seen two more of her movies, whose reviews are coming shortly. 

South Park - I didn't think Trey Parker and Matt Stone could continue to offend even me, but they are doing it, and doing it so well.  Another thing I love right now:  how more and more cuss words are becoming acceptable on cable television.  That means less bleeping and more hilarity when 4th-graders say "shit" or "dick."  Because, let's face it, if South Park took place with teenagers, that shit wouldn't be funny at all.  But 4th graders on TV measuring their teeny tiny penises?  Fucking comic GOLD. 

Great new TV shows - Namely, The Killing and Game of Thrones.  Seriously, we have been blessed over the past year with fantastic new shows:  Boardwalk Empire, The Walking Dead, and now The Killing and Game of Thrones... there is so much to watch that it's hard to keep up with.  Admittedly, I'm not completely up to date on either one of them, but I'm loving every minute of it.  I love the originality that is coming to life, after seeing so much of the same crap on TV week after week. 

The Office - I guess I could call this something I hate as well as something I love.  I hate that Steve Carrell is gone.  But I loved "Goodbye, Michael," and have liked every episode since.  However, I don't think the show will survive for long without him.  Not because there aren't funny people on the show, but it's the same reason that I don't think Two and a Half Men will survive without Charlie Sheen.  Sure, Sheen is batshit crazy and Ashton Kutcher is funny and has proven that he is sitcom gold, but Sheen made his show just as Carrell made The Office.  But, as long as Jim and Pam are there, I will continue to watch.  I just hope they can keep coming up with storylines. 
   

Limitless (2011)

People Who Matter:

Bradley Cooper:  Eddie Morra 

Robert De Niro:  Carl Van Loon

Abbie Cornish:  Lindy

Eddie Morra (Cooper) is a writer - kind of.  He has a book contract, but no book.  And honestly, no material to write the book.  Well, he has the material in his head but no motivation or drive to write anything substantial.  His ponytail is very unfortunate, and he is often mistaken for a homeless man.  He's behind on his rent and has no money.  Add his girlfriend breaking up with him into the mix, and this guy's life really blows.  Luckily, his ex-wife's brother is a friendly and completely legit drug dealer, and he offers Eddie a pick-me-up.    

The pill is called NZT and it allows the taker access to 100% of his or her brain.  The effects are almost immediate:  soon, Eddie has talked his landlord into not only forgetting that he hasn't paid his rent, but also sleeping with him.  He writes his book in one night, and has it edited and completed in four days.  He charms everyone he meets because he seems to know everything.  Every memory he has ever had are organized and easily assessable in the newly found portion of his brain.

I love this premise.  It takes a regular rags-to-riches tale and spins it in a new way.  What couldn't someone do if they had NZT?  Eddie chooses to play the stock market game (turning $12,000 into millions in less than two weeks), but you could do so much more than earn (ahem) limitless fame and fortune.  Cure for cancer?  Why not?  New alternative fuel source?  Easy.  If you could take everything you have ever subconsciously seen or heard, and your brain worked on literally four times as many wavelengths as the average schmuck, you could do anything.  

You can't become an overnight millionaire without attracting some attention, and Eddie does.  Mostly in the form of an extremely intimidating Carl Van Loon (De Niro).  Van Loon hires Eddie as a financial consultant during a big business merger.  These two have a very interesting dynamic, constantly in a struggle for power.

Now boasting a four-digit IQ, Eddie is desperate to maintain his current lifestyle.  Unfortunately, NZT isn't the kind of thing you can find at your local pharmacy.  Thus begins some run-ins with some stereotypical Russian gangsters and general shady characters.  Naturally, the demand greatly outnumbers the supply of this miracle pill.  However, not everything is what it seems with NZT.  Generally in life, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Director Neil Burger does an interesting job of showing how Eddie is on NZT with whirlwind visual effects.  I thought they worked really well with the situation.  However, in the theater that I was in, one person did have to leave, saying it was giving her "Blair Witch-style motion sickness."  I found that kind of funny, because seriously, these flashes aren't nearly long enough to give someone motion sickness.

The conclusion is a little predictable, but that's okay.  Bradley Cooper does an excellent job as a struggling writer and then does an excellent job as the man who has everything.  Robert De Niro plays the badass he always plays, but he does it so well.  Abbie Cornish plays Lindy, the girl who dumps Eddie as a loser and then gets back with him when NZT gets his life together.  Limitless is a fun ride, with witty commentary and an interesting story.  Definitely one to check out.


8 out of 10

The Town (2010)

People Who Matter:  

Ben Affleck:  Doug MacRay

Jeremy Renner:  Jem

Rebecca Hall:  Claire Keesey

Jon Hamm:  Agent Adam Frawley

The Town is set in (and named after) the Charlestown area of Boston that is apparently home to more bank robberies and armored car robberies than any other place in America.  At least, that's what the film's opening credits informed me.  Doug (Affleck, who also directed the film) is the leader and brains behind a gang of thieves that steal from the rich to please a florist.  Also in the gang is Jem, a fresh-out-of-prison hothead (played by Jeremy Renner) who is more likely to kill someone when things go south instead of just getting out of there like any normal criminal would.

I have seen enough movies to guess how some of this plays out.  Someone has a change of heart about their illegitimate career path.  A job goes horribly wrong.  Someone is going to fall in love.  The plot isn't exactly new and refreshing, but that can be easily forgiven if the characters are believable and well-played.  Which thankfully, they are.

The robbery that goes horribly wrong takes place early on.  The way these boys from Charlestown do their work is nothing short of amazing.  It is efficient, almost military in the way that these guys get in, get out, and get the job done correctly and quickly.  However, this particular robbery doesn't go quite the way they are used to.  They take a hostage, Claire (Hall) to ensure their getaway.  After they drop her off, they set her up for emotional scars for the rest of her life.

Afterwards, the guys become concerned that she will talk to the FBI about what exactly she saw and heard out of them, so they do what any logical criminals would do... have one of them follow her around and get close to her.  Doug volunteers himself, since he and Claire had some moments during the robbery and hostage situation. 

After that botched job, the FBI is getting closer and closer to catching the gang.  Agent Frawley (played by the always impressive Hamm) knows who they are but doesn't have quite enough evidence to throw them in jail... yet.  He is waiting on a slip-up of some kind on their part.  For this reason, Doug doesn't want to do another job until the heat dies down.  Jem wouldn't be a hot-head if he agreed to lay low.   

From Doug's feelings on the next robbery, you can kind of guess how it's gonna turn out.  We learn that the money drops at the florist isn't just a convenient place to store the cash, but the florist is actually the shot-caller in the whole scenario.  Doug doesn't want to rob banks anymore, but the florist threatens Claire's life if he doesn't do what he is obviously so good at.  

Just for fun, I thought I would mention Blake Lively, who plays a total slut (with a really... interesting accent) and is almost unrecognizable from her Gossip Girl persona.  I'm glad she is branching out and distancing herself from teen TV dramas, but I just couldn't get past seeing her as Serena Van Der Woodsen.  While I'm on a random rant, let me mention the masks and outfits the guys wear while they do their shenanigans.  They are seriously creepy.  I don't know what I would do if someone in a nun outfit was trying to rob me.  I think I would laugh.  But then I would get shot, and there's nothing funny about that.  

Thrown in the mix is a fair mixture of action, romance, excellent settings, and car chases and it plays together in a very real-world way.  A lot of care was taken to ensure that Charlestown became something of a character in and of itself.  Affleck always takes great care when dealing with Boston, something that definitely translates to the big screen.  It is something he cares about, and he made it something I cared about as well.

8 out of 10

Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

People Who Matter:

Aaron Eckhart:  SSGT Nantz

Ramon Rodriguez:  2nd Lt. Martinez

Michael Pena:  Joe Rincon

Staff Sergeant Nantz  (Eckhart) is running on the beach during morning PT.  Younger, stronger Marines are passing him with ease.  He finishes his run and ices his knee.  He thinks (and talks to another Marine) about being old and hurting all the time.  Clearly, the only thing to do is get out of the Marine Corps.  He files the paperwork that morning and gets his superior (I didn't catch his rank) to sign off on it.  They talk about SSGT Nantz's "incident," the one that is referred to throughout the entire movie but never really explained.  Long story short, SSGT Nantz made a decision to go forward in a combat situation the last time he was down range, and almost all the Marines under his command died. 

I hope you enjoy the first twenty minutes, where they are "building up" characters, at least attempting to make them into people that we can relate to.   SSGT Nantz is getting out of the Marine Corps.  Another Marine is planning his wedding.  Another Marine is about to be deployed.  Yeah, I hope those stories enthrall you, because you won't be seeing anything resembling a story for the remaining two hours of this movie.  

 

Later that morning, strange meteors start falling in oceans all over the world, but only around major cities.  It's strange, because none of these meteors were seen by the Hubble until a few hours before... meteors shouldn't act like that.  The command comes down the line for all Marines to suit up to full battle rattle.  They are expecting a fight.  SSGT Nantz is put in another platoon as a platoon sergeant.  This doesn't sit well with his new platoon.  They know his story and think he is a loose canon who gets his Marines killed.  Oh, dear. 

 

strange, strange meteors

Very soon, the aliens make their appearance and start fucking everything up.  They come out of the water, looking all low-budget and stupid, just shooting everybody and everything.  Why the aliens come is never really explained, although it is mentioned that they want our water.  They clearly don't need us pesky humans hanging around, so they plan to kill everyone and destroy everything.  SSGT Nantz and his platoon are given orders to go behind enemy lines in Santa Monica and hold the city.  Similar battles are raging all over the world, and defeat seems imminent.  The aliens are simply too strong, have far superior firepower, and their air support renders our Air Force useless.  

 

The only solution the military can come up with to kill the aliens is to flatten the entire city of Santa Monica.  Therefore, SSGT Nantz has to get his men and his newfound civilians out of there before the bombs drop.  Seeing as how he has the only remaining defense force anywhere around, it should be a fun afternoon. 

 

Blah, blah, blah.  There are lots of close-ups in the firefights, lots of screaming, and lots of explosions.  There is nothing here that hasn't been in dozens of movies before, and they have done it way better.  The characters never say more than three sentences in a row; but if they do, you know they are about to bite the dust.  And don't get attached to any character either (if that was even possible), because they die more often than this movie cuts to a close-up of Eckhart's face. 

 

I don't understand why the Michael Bay effect is still happening.  Yeah, explosions are cool and blowing shit up is fun, but shouldn't there be more to a movie than that?  Is it too much to ask that there be a story that makes sense?  Is it too much to ask that the characters not be a rag-tag, culturally diverse group of stereotypes?  Is it too much to ask that a movie with such a big budget can make aliens that aren't so... cheap looking?  Thankfully, most of the shots of the aliens are wide or the frantic hand-held close shots that don't really show a clear picture of them, but come on.  

 

Now, as much as I disliked this movie, my best friend (a guy) loved it.  Maybe as a female I just can't enjoy the mindless explosions and senseless story.    Maybe I expect too much... wanting a story out of a movie released in 2011.  The nerve I have. 

5 out of 10

Top Ten Movies You (Probably) Haven't Seen

10.  The Goods:  Live Hard, Sell Hard (2009)

Any movie that has the tagline, "I have hair on my balls and I sell cars" is bound to  be a fun ride, and The Goods doesn't disappoint.  There is nothing here that hasn't been done before, but The Goods doesn't try to be anything other than what it is:  a silly, potty-mouthed tale of a group of friends whose only goals in life involve selling cars.  There is a plot to be found in there somewhere, but let's be honest and admit the plot isn't the reason we watch these kinds of movies.  There are plenty of laughs to be had in this one, if you don't mind it being about the furthest thing from politically correct this side of Family Guy. 

9.  Across the Universe (2007)

 

This is easily one of the most visually stunning films out there.  It is absolutely beautiful from start to finish.  Add that with the incredible music, and a solid plot driven by the music, and you've got a great movie.  There's not a lot of dialogue, but honestly there doesn't need to be.  Most of the story is told through the music and although there is dialogue thrown in to connect the scenes, it isn't nearly as engrossing as the musical numbers.  

8.  Into the Wild (2007)

 

This is one of my favorite movies that is based on one of my favorite books.  There isn't a lot to it:  a guy graduates college, abandons his parents' dreams of him becoming a huge and successful lawyer, instead choosing to leave all his possessions (and money) behind while he discovers himself on a cross-country tour.  Of course, this is based on a true story, so some of you might know how it ends when Christopher winds up in Alaska.  The real story here is about the characters he meets along the journey and how he himself changes along the ride.  Great film by Sean Penn.    

7.  Pirate Radio 

 

In 1960s Great Britain, only about 30 minutes of rock-and-roll was allowed to play on the radio every day.  So, ships would dock in international waters that would stream the music the masses wanted to hear 24/7.  There are colorful DJs with pretty gnarly cases of cabin fever and classic rock that seems a character in and of itself.  The music of the era is played constantly (in clips and full songs) that adds to the validity of the film.  If you're a fan of music, you should definitely check this one out.  

6.  Let the Right One In (2008)

This is the Swedish original that spawned the remake Let Me In.  This one is much better.  Not that the remake is bad, per se, but this is just better.   It is a vampire movie, but don't expect sparkles and fun hunting trips.  This is a grim, depressing movie about a vampire girl and her human boyfriend.  It is a love story, but there is no cute montage of them frolicking around while "Pocket Full of Sunshine" plays in the background.  Of course, it is dubbed, a fact that bothers some people more than it should.  If you can get past the lips not matching the words, you are in for a treat.  

5.  Trick 'R Treat  (2007)

At its core, this is another Halloween movie.  However, it sets itself apart from the crowd quite early on, and it does it often.  It follows a pretty diverse group of characters on Halloween, and their stories intertwine in very creative and awesome ways.  The props are done extremely well, and the kids are genuinely creepy.  The whole film has a creepy feel to it.  Overall, it's the best Halloween movie that has come out in the past 20 years.  

4.  Hard Candy (2005)

This is easily one of the most disturbing movies I've seen in a while, not to mention one of the best revenge stories.  It follows a teenage girl who entraps a pedophile photographer and their strange afternoon in his home.  It's definitely not what you would expect.  I can't really say anything else about it without giving too much away.  Just check it out.  

3.  Smokin' Aces (2006)

Basically, there is this guy (Buddy Aces) who has information that can bring down a mob boss, so a $1 million price is put on his head.  This brings out every kind of assassin you can think of in an attempt to bring him down.  There is action from start to finish, with every cliche action scenario being played out.  But the characters are nothing like you've seen before.  They are as varied as their stories.  At the core of it is Aces, who has more emotional problems than you can shake a stick at.  Great movie with a lot of big names in it.  

  

2.  Green Street Hooligans (2005)

 

Elijah Wood isn't exactly seen as a badass, but he totally pulls it off in this one.  Green Street Hooligans is about the brutal world of football firms in England.  Firms are basically gangs that are brought together both by their love of their football team and their love of violence.  Wood's character has been kicked out of Harvard and is about the last person you would expect to join this world, but he does.   There are brutal fights and a pretty good story in this one.  A little something for everybody.  

1.  Boondock Saints (1999)

With all the action in this, its hard to imagine there is any semblance of a plot, but there is, and it's good.  It follows two Irish-Catholic brothers who are as passionate about their faith as they are about their neighborhood.  They want to clean it up, get rid of the mobsters and criminals that are running a muck.  Willem Dafoe is as creepy as you can imagine as the FBI agent that wants to hunt down the brothers.  It's constant action mixed in with a great story, and some of the best cult-classic quotes floating around out there.  But, as with Smokin' Aces, avoid the sequel at all costs.  It is awful.  

The Last Song (2010)

People Who Matter

Miley Cyrus:  Ronnie Miller

Liam Hemsworth:  Will Blakelee

Greg Kinnear:  Steve Miller 

Bobby Coleman:  Jonah Miller

Ronnie (Cyrus) and her younger brother Jonah (Coleman) are forced into moving in with their father (Kinnear) for the summer.  Apparently Ronnie's teen angst has become too much for her mother to handle.  And man, this girl is angsty.  Her parents got divorced and she blames the ordeal entirely on her father.  Ronnie launched herself into a self-destructive depression in which she steals and (GASP) stops playing piano.  Jonah seems much better acclimated to the new living conditions, and is more than ecstatic about spending the summer bonding with his dad.

Ronnie on the other hand, is a bitch from the moment she steps on the screen.  I'm sorry, but how am I supposed to feel any sort of compassion for this girl when she is a complete asshole for absolutely no reason?  She has a total of two looks throughout the entire thing (sneering and scowling) and only one voice (deep and manly).  Add that to how she treats her father, who seems like a genuinely good guy, and I hated her from start.

But of course, the town hunk Will (Hemsworth) immediately becomes interested in her, despite the fact that she was a bitch to him as well.  This is probably not the best message to be sending to young girls (who have to be the target audience of this shit shoot... Miley Cyrus is apparently still a big draw)... be a bitch and the boys will still chase after you.  Great life lessons there, Sparks.  Will comes with his own baggage (he's a total man-slut), something that makes Ronnie irate even though they had only been on one date and couldn't possibly have been in "that place" yet. 

The next hour passes with musical montage scenes where Ronnie and Will are falling in love, but then they will get into a fight over something stupid, but then they will realize that their two-week love is something that just isn't going away, so they will make up and be happy for another few minutes or so.  Ugh.  The entire thing is contrived and forced and neither actor seems interested in anything but making out.  Which they do.  A lot.  Nothing else though... this is a PG Disney movie, after all.  

Anyways, Jonah seems just as exasperated with his bitch of a sister as I was, but does immerse himself into a stupid subplot with his father involving stained glass windows.  I'm assuming this was inserted into the movie just so there can be some sort of religion in there, because again, this is Sparks we are dealing with here.  It has to take place in the South, it has to involve rich people in some way, shape, or form, there has to be some terminal disease, and there has to be religion.  Sparks is just as predictable in this one as he has been in every one before it, however, the other ones usually involve actors who know what they are doing and have some chemistry.  The Last Song has neither.  

By the time the big dramatic twist happens, I'm so uninterested that I didn't even care.  It's something I have seen so many times before and will see so many more times.  Especially since Sparks seems hell-bent on writing books that make it on the big screen until the end of time.  And with such a winning formula (cue sarcasm), what can go wrong? 

Le sigh.  Nicholas Sparks attempts to cash in on yet another one of his novels that are so beloved by middle-aged women having emotional crises.  I had no intention of ever watching this movie, but once again I let my friend (who I love to death, but bless her she loves some terrible ass movies) talk me into "just giving it a shot."  It was just as bad as I knew it would be.  Combine that with the fact that I hate Miley Cyrus, who for some reason seems worse than normal in this one, and this was almost two hours of hell for me.  Everything about it fails, except for the sea turtles.  Those little bastards are cute.

3 out of 10

The Switch (2010)

People Who Matter: 

Jason Bateman:  Wally Mars

Jennifer Aniston:  Kassie Larson

Patrick Wilson:  Roland

Thomas Robinson:  Sebastian

Here we go again...  Jennifer Aniston in yet another cookie-cutter romantic comedy that is mediocre all the way through.   This one at least attempted to be interesting and unique though, so I will give them that.  For once, Aniston's co-star steals the show from her.  Maybe she's losing her touch, or maybe she finally got a co-star that can actually act.  

Wally and Kassie are best friends despite the fact that they dated many years ago and something (it's never really explained) happened to break them up.  Ever since, Wally has attempted to date other women but ultimately none of them work out either.  Of course it's because he's in love with Kassie, but it wouldn't be a very interesting movie if he figured that out from the get-go.  Actually, this movie isn't that interesting at all, so I kinda wish he had figured it out a lot sooner. 

Anyway, Kassie decides that she wants a baby and doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come around, so she does what any rational woman would do and gets a sperm donor.  Judging by the company she keeps (her girlfriends thought it would be a good idea to throw a party for her the night she receives the seed), I can't say I'm surprised she hasn't found a husband.  Anywho, at said party, Wally gets incredibly drunk (he is depressed because Kassie turned down his offer to be the donor) and switches his sperm with that of the rock-climbing donor Roland (Wilson).  Not even kidding.  Like I said, at least they get points for it being original, regardless of how stupid it is.  Kassie decides New York isn't the best place to raise a baby and heads to her parents' hometown in Minnesota or some such place. 

It picks back up a few years later.  Kassie is back in town for good with her now 6-year-old son Sebastian.  Sebastian is... an interesting child.  He is obsessed with collecting picture frames, but with the original generic pictures kept inside.  He makes up stories for everyone in the pictures, assigning them roles in his family.  He is delightfully charming and the very best part of this movie.  

Even during Wally and Sebastian's first scene together, it is very obvious that Wally is the father.  Obvious to everyone except those involved, of course.  You see, the night Wally swapped the spooge, he was so drunk he blacked out and has no recollection of it.  After a few days spent with Sebastian, he starts to get suspicious of their similar mannerisms.  He, with the help of his friend Leonard (Jeff Goldblum, hilarious as always) started to piece together the night and his memories start coming back.  

All the while he is starting to realize his feelings for Kassie, she is getting closer and closer to the newly divorced "donor" Roland.  Wally tries again and again to convince her this is a bad idea, but she is a stubborn woman and doesn't listen.  Therein lies a huge problem with not just this movie, but almost all romantic comedies.  It could all be solved if Wally had just told her what he did and admitted his feelings.  But no, they feel the need to drag it out while she gets closer and closer to another guy.  It's stupid.  Who are these people?

Rant over.  Sebastian hates Roland, because he has the uncanny child-ability of a no-bullshit detector and even he understands his IQ is higher than his supposed father.  Roland pushes it, and in all fairness he does try to get closer to the kid, but Sebastian isn't having any of it.  Kassie doesn't seem to care though.  You would think a mother who is completely devoted to her child would make his feelings a little higher priority than her own... but whatever.   

Eventually... well I don't really need to tell you.  You have seen a rom-com before, and they all end in almost the exact same way.  The only saving grace with this one is Sebastian.  That little kid is awesome, but even he can't save his boring "parents" and their lack of chemistry.  They are so robotic and so unbelievable, it's almost like watching siblings trying to do a romantic scene.  And I'm not talking about backwoods Kentucky where that actually happens. 

It's amazing that Jennifer Aniston still takes these bullshit roles.  She is a very well-known actress, yet continually makes these God-awful movies that get terrible reviews.  She needs to either fire her agent or just take some time off.  Her career is sinking further and further into the toilet.  For a far more entertaining movie about insemination, watch The Kids Are All Right.   That movie kicked ass.  This movie blows.  

4 out of 10

I Am Number Four (2011)

People Who Matter:  

Alex Pettyfer:  John/Number 4

Timothy Olyphant:  Henri

Teresa Palmer:  Number 6

Dianna Agron:  Sarah

A teenager from the planet Lorien (Pettyfer) is on the run across the country with his protector Henri (Olyphant) from ruthless and evil guys (from the planet Mogador) that want to kill him because he was one of the Nine children that escaped from Lorian during what I'm sure was an enthralling battle.  These Nine children are "gifted" and that is supposed to protect them from these evil people that for some reason want them all dead, but that obviously isn't working as they are getting picked off left and right.  Right from the get-go, there are so many questions that are completely ignored by the filmmakers, but whatever.  I sat there and tried to bite. 

Until I saw the Evils on the screen, which literally made me chuckle out loud.  They look like Lord Voldemort fucked a fish, and they were the less intimidating, mentally-handicapped offspring.  They are made even more ridiculous by their massive tribal head tattoos.  And why is it that these guys have gill-like slits on their faces, yet the Numbered kids (from what I assume is a close planet to the Evils, judging by how pissed off these big bad dudes are at the kids) are completely hot and fit right into everyday America?  How can they all survive here in the first place?  Why are these kids so important that they are getting inter-galactically chased at all?  My frustration with this movie started at the very beginning and didn't stop until the very end. 

John is cockblocked by his leg glowing, signaling Number Three had just been taken down, so Henri packs their crap and moves them to Paradise, Ohio.  Pretty quickly, John meets a few high school cliches:  the hot but tortured cheerleader-turned-photographer, the jock ex of said tortured artist, and the nerd who's really a great guy once you get to know him (because all guys who look like John totally hang out with UFO-obsessed nerds).  Of course, John falls in love with the first girl he meets, the photographer Sarah (Agron) much to the dismay of her ex-boyfriend Mark (Jake Abel), but that doesn't matter because when Loriens love, they love FOREVER.  

Henri gets frustrated with John, possibly because he lets his little girlfriend take stalker-ish pictures of him and put him on the Internet, or possibly because he insisted on enrolling in high school even though he is from another planet and they are obviously way smarter than we are (they traveled from Lorien to Earth and got here while they were still young and hot).  Henri wants John to stay off the grid which John refuses to do.  Instead, he chooses to stay in school even when his hands start lighting up, and beating up bullies on the weekend to protect his girlfriend and his new-found nerdy best friend (Callan McAuliffe).  

Eventually (and painfully too much time passes before this happens) the Evils catch wind of where John is hanging out (it probably showed up in their News Feeds) and they come with a vengeance.  It all comes to head in an "epic" battle at the high school in which Number Six comes and saves the day.  Before that, though, there are some weird flying things that resemble squirrels more than anything else (who are just as intimidating as their Voldemort-fish handlers) who try to take out the Numbers, but their glowing fists are just too powerful.  

The CGI is just as cheesy and lame as the rest of the movie.  It tries so hard to ride the coat tails of Harry Potter and Twilight but ends up doing everything epically wrong.  Even the actors don't seem to be that interested in what they are doing.  Honestly, the only people who should watch this movie are the family members of the actors (because they have to) but even they will probably be counting the minutes until they can bolt from their seats. 

3 out of 10